My heart unmasked

We all have them. You, me, and yea even that awesome person over there. I have been fighting and rebelling for a month now on two idols to name a few Called lazy. And facebook.( my phone). I am writing this as a constant reminder and accountability. I am also emailing and blogging it.

I am tired of fighting. I'm tired of trying to control what I do by myself and when why how and so forth. God sent Kent to rattle me like a toy. And rattle I did. I surrender. I submit to you Lord. I am an adulterous I have cheated on you time and time again and you keep forgiving me. I ( catch that? I, i thought i could change it) keep promising to change and yet i don't. Now I know for a fact how much adultery hurts. I have seen it. I wept with sorrow. I wept for I have committed the greatest sin again you my Lord and am guilty for it.

I wailed at home. I got home. Had plans to stomp my idol but was faced with a plan B I wanted nothing to do with. Amy needed me. She wanted to be comforted and held and I wanted to clean and be busy and I was furious because I felt I let God down. I messed up again. But that's just the trick. God caught me sinning again. And then I did. Here I was trying to control what I did and when. How. Where. And He caught me. " there you go again. Dropping me and taking control. I am the LEADER" I stopped putting dishes in the dishwasher. Handed Amy to Dave and went to my room sat on my bed and wailed like never before. Submitting. Surrendering and letting go of control and one idol at a time. I cried for 30 minutes in a wailing manner. Begging for forgiveness. Verbally recognizing My idols and laying them at the feet of Jesus.

I went outside. Pulled my chair back by the van. Sat and cried. Then I got down on my knees and cried. Then I felt the rain. I begged God to wash me. Wash me of idols. Wash me away from putting everything above Him and that's when the thunder rolled. I prayed more then stood up as the rain hit harder and the thunder louder. " lord hear my cry! I can't do this alone. Hold me lord. Transform me. Pull me from that that has taken your place! I don't want this life. I don't want to be me I want to be you! " and now I see more idols then I did before. You bet it hurts. Rarely is conviction comfortable. So now what.

Now I submit. Not once or twice. Everday. Every hour. Every minute that I feel these idols creep in I need to call on Jesus and cry out to Him.

Now. I cry again. I'm tired of being afraid. I'm tired of fear being an idol. Fear is an incredible idol. I'm so exhausted from fearing everything. I am done fearing everything. I'm done fearing what I can't change.

Thank you God. Thank you for using our pastor to point out my stubborness. And thank you pastor for being so yeilding to the Lord. And thank you to our community group leader for not wearing your mask. For letting your emotions show. Because that simple act of submision to God to not cover your heart helped chip at mine. Thank you Jesus for never leaving
Me. For calling me back.

5 years and still clinging

5 years ago, come Wednesday, I will have entered into a scary time. At the age of 20 I stepped into a hospital to be induced. Terrified. My first daughter. I go in. Have the pitocin. Crash out.

I am waken with utter pain. They have to hold me down to get the epidural in. Contractions were so bad I couldn't bend over. Come 5:30 ( 11 hours after pitocin) I was still at 0 so they were going to go for a c-section. I drink the nasty stuff and they unplug the epidural. Well. As soon as that happened. Comes 7 pm I was at a 6. I was telling the nurse it hurt and he said where and I told him my butt. He got another nurse who checked me and said uh oh and left. I had my mom at one side and Dave at the other. Before I knew it a nurse said I was at an 8 and hurting. All the movies. The tlc delivery stores showed women sometimes screaming and I felt like a good scream would help. So I screamed. The two nurses to my right said " don't do that it hurts our ears and isn't going to help" an then they left

Wel dang what am I supposed to do everytime I want to yell?!? So I sang. I sang hard. They gave me morphin an some other meds. It didn't help. When contractions hit I sang this little light of mine, Jesus loves me? , all the little children, jingle bells, jingle bell rock? You name it I sang it. I almost broke my moms thumb and tore dave's arms up.

I was told to push and then not to push because I would waste me energy. I was scared an in the worse pain of my life.

Finally. Around 10:30 I hear a " okay give me good pushes I see her head" do I pushed and pushed. Finally her head. It hurt!!! I pushed and pushed forever it seemed. And at 10:45 there was a whoosh of baby and there was the chubbiest faced little girl. Dave's first words " she is covered in pancake batter". He cut the cord and they weighed her. Little miss Rylie. Born at 10:45 pm at 7'12 and 20 3/4inches. She had a large scrape on her head from what they said was my pelvic bone. But she was just adorable. Her eyes were gooped up so much with yucky gel that she didn't really open her eyes till 2 days later.

I was shaking so bad going through withdrawl. It was a mess. I was finally not shaking at 3 am and went walking with Dave. I was hurting and let me tell you how totally weird it was to pee in a basin and make sure I peed just enough. Ummm weird! She got her hospital picture. The lady put a spot of ky jelly in her head and stuck a bow on her head.

Taking ry home was wonderful. She was so sweet a precious. What a angel. She would laugh so hard when we would build black towers and they would fall. What an adorable kid she was. And now she Is 5 and in school. I can't hardly believe it.

Happy birthday boo bear. I am so proud of the little girl God has lead you to be. How smart you are and your love for the bible already. I pray you remain hungry for the Lord as you grown into a woman. I love you angel baby. More then you know.

10 on 10-10-10

Amy is 10 months old today. Hard to believe the baby I was scared I was losing 10 months ago can throw a fit and hit her sisters. I'm blessed to have this little girl here with me. Even her crazy smile. Her whine and whimpers of life just being so mean and hard on her. Every inch of her body. Her fingers and knuckles. Elbows and knees. Toes and feet. Her precious belly and underarms. Her jaw bone and cheeks and her temple area that just is so soft. Her tiny ears and the back of her neck and the hair she does have.

I love her dearly. She means so much to me.

Remembering

While I was excited about october 15 at first now my heart feels heavy. In case you don't know what it is. October 15 is pregnancy loss rememberance day.

I have never lost a baby. I came close to losing Rylie and Amy but it's not the same. I have friends who have lost babies. Some have lost 4 an 5. I can't imagine that. There is one that cuts me still just as the day he passed. Come Monday he would have been 26 weeks and on Tuesday he would have been 6 months. It hurts so bad to remember. To wonder what little chris would be doing now. The adorable smile he would be wearing now. I loved that little boy before he was ever born and my love seems to grow for him every week. It still blows me away how God uses him to bring me to where I am now. Not just turning away from my ability to feel for others. But to accept it and use it for good.

Now I find myself at the same place I was. Feeling stupid for how I feel. He wasn't mine. I haven't lost a baby but it hurts like I have. Oh does it hurt. But I feel silly for even going to the ceremony although my intention is to help in Amy way I can if nothing more than to hug an smile. But I find myself asking " why are you going? You don't undertand the pain. You don't know what it's like. You shouldn't be here".

I want to get away from that.

My summary of 10-3-10

The seduction of success and idolatry
2 kings 5

Idolatry is elevating anything above God. Idolatry is seeking from others the things that only God can give. So. Sometimes even good things can be an idol.

Naaman: a success seeker
-When desire becomes lust
-How a success seeker handles leprosy. He is to go and bathe in the Jordan. He was mad. It was embarrasing he didn't want to be embarrased.
-Transforming a success seeker

How do you know when your desire for success has become a lust for success?
Success equals significance. Everyhing we do reveals our significance. Makes mr look bad or feel stupid. When success is your God you won't humble yourself.

Managing success:
The little people. Servants. Who were also looking out for some one else. Not just themselves.
We need to be little people for the big person. Us to God. Servant to Christ.

When we look at success we look at the little people serving us not God.

God puts bugs in our life. Like leprosy.

Are wil willing to listen and be humiliated for God. Are we willing to listen to the little people. The leprosy in or life becomes an opportunity to see how God will fix you/ me.

God calls us to serve him and him only. Not a God od success.

A summary of session 3 loving God with all your mind

Processing the prize

When you think about it, the past makes us who we are.
Where we are today is a reflection of how we've been living our life.

Elizabeths favorite life verse: Philippians 3:13,14 " brethren, I do not count myself to have arrived but this one thing i am doing, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching for those things which are ahead. I press for the goal for the prize of the upper call of God in Christ Jesus. ( this is very awesome. Memorize it!).

When we keep looking back. We can't move forward. We are hindering ourselves when we keepin looking on the past.

3 step program

1. Past- forgetting what lies behind us.
2. Present- reaching forward to what IS ahead of is.
3. Pressing for the prize in how we will live present?

Make sure your running in the right race.
The person who looks backward will stumble.

1. How Paul tells us to forget the past
Forget the past- step 1- if we are going to think on what's true and real.

When Paul says he forgets what lies behind, it's active and it's obliteration.

It's a constant decision to say " no. I'm not going to think about that. " ( I do this constantly for a week now. Sifting through my thought and clean them out. This Is no easy task but very necessary. )

2. God is calling us to reach forward.
We are called to an active life of pursuing God with all our heart and mind.

3. Remember to press on.
If it's something that should be on your prayer list every day, that when I think this thing , I will not think this thing.

Wisdom usually comes from failure.
But learn it, log it, and leave it.

Paul is not only talking about forgetting the bad, but forgetting the good.

We're called by God to keep achieving and keep accomplishing.

A forward moving Christian
- they know where they are going
- they have a sence of Gods call on their lives
- they undertand the purpose of their lives
- they focus on God and God given goals
- they choose wisely from among their options.

Do you know what it take to reach for the prize?
It takes all your spiritual energy, mental energy, emotional energy, and physical energy.

We can't block everything out, but we can focus on the grace of God.

I have no words

I have been fumbling through the thoughts since Monday. I still keep coming back to your words. I can't believe you said them. I have spent years reminding myself you never would. And to know warning, no planning of words you said them. With no thought to the daggers you had thrown. You had no idea the pain I would feel. It's not your fault. It's mine for letting the pain. The questions. And thoughts and fears that flood in over past, present, and future.

I see it. Every week. I am sick about it. I worry about it. I fear about it. I want to hear and believe your promises but the last 2 days I question it. Why? For how long?

I have questions myself. What will happen. Who? Was it like this too? Questions I will never know. Questions that I don't even want to take steps to know. Questions that I fear the answers will change everything

So for now I will hold tight to Christ. I will capture these thoughts and fears and questions that are eating me alive and turn them to truth and faith. I will not let Satan control this pain and my actions. Psalm 23. How I love it.

Toquitos and Mosquitos!

Emma and Amy and I went to wal mart early this morning for some shopping. Nearing the end we were getting cold stuff. I asked Emma. " what do you think em. Should we get some toquitos ?". And stood on the rail and leaned over to look. Then she said " no. I don't like bug. No quitos.". Lol I laughed so hard! My baby thought I said Mosquitos!! Oh goodness what a delightful start to a day!!

Verses

YOU, MY FATHER, are the One who forms the mountains, creates the wind, and reveals His thoughts to man. You are the One who turns dawn to darkness, and treads the high places of the earth - the Lord God Almighty is Your Name! (Amos 4:13)


THIS IS WHAT YOU, THE LORD MY GOD, SAYS " You who created the heavens, You are God; You who fashioned and made the earth, You founded it; You did not create it to be empty, but formed it to be inhabited" You say: "I am the Lord, and there is no other."(Isaiah 45:18)

O LORD MY GOD, help me never to worship any other god, for You, my Lord, are a jealous God. (Exodus 20:5)


YOU, MY LORD, ARE A WARRIOR; THE LORD IS YOUR NAME.(Exodus 15:3)

~ Maggie Krantz

For all females of all ages!!

I'm on a HUGE kick
Concerning this stuff. I have been called a martyr and prude. I welcome the chastising. I am sticking to my beliefs and faith.

Distraction

“I’m walking across the campus of my so-called ‘Christian’ school, and I can’t believe how girls dress. It’s hard enough for us guys to have pure thoughts as it is without being tempted by scantily-clad students everywhere!”

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: First Timothy 2:9 says that women should wear “respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control.”

The word respectable here means: orderly, decent, not causing distraction or temptation. It’s so easy to just accept the latest styles and not even think about modesty. But when we do, we’re likely to cause the men around us distraction and temptation.

“I just don’t think women realize that we are so stimulated by what we see.”

Nancy: Have you given modesty much attention? The next time you look in the mirror, ask yourself: Will this cause distraction or temptation?

Women, let’s show modesty and self-control.!!!!!!!

Fears mixed with prayer

For a few weeks now I catch myself praying the same thing over and over. Sometimes in tears some time as sober as I can be. My fear of it scares me so bad. I know that things will be different merely because the girls are being raised different buy God forbid it I am seeing things in me that damaged me when I was little. I don't want to do it to the girls and I sure don't want them to be older and praying the same thing I am. Just the opposite is what I want. So I'm praying. Watching my actions and my words. Making sure things are done and said with them.

It's a strange combo. Sadness that the thought of it scares me. Fear. And desperation of never ever being the same way. All into one person

Where has the time gone???

It's been 9 moms today since my mom left.

Tomorrow Amy turns 9 months. I can't hardly believe it. Where did that tiny baby that had hair go? " growing old mama" says my friend. Yes. Yes she is. I'm fighting tears. Just yesterday her legs didn't even fit through the holes of the swing we first had. Now she is close to touching the ground with her toes. Why didn't I see this. My tiny thing is now almost 20 pounds. She is such a doll. Recently we held up the new born dress she took her hospital picture in to her. It was so huge on her. Now. The whole dress is the size of her torso. I love this baby. I've loved her since march 6,2009. She is amazing. She has an amazing family. Her friends and her mommies friends that love her as a niece.

So here she is. 9 months and counting down to December. My little girl.

Miss Lynne you are an angel. Yet another miracle baby. I'm blessed to be borrowing you. You love your sweet potatoes and football. You are your
Mommies girl.

I love you little pooter bug. More than you know.

Mommy

Fevers can be fun

I've always been terrified when ry would get a fever or sick. Bad memories. And Amy too what with having rsv at 8 weeks. Rylie brought something home from the hospital Thursday which sad to say I knew would happen. Every time we go there she gets sick. So today Amy is sick. She got sick about 3 am. 100.5 fever. Still has one but low and we can't kick it. However. After 7 or so ounces of food and hugs she started saying yay when I did after she finished her food. And when she would look at me I would say hey. And then she started saying hey too. So while her nose is running and he has a fever she is spitting out words. And squeeling and having a good day.

Almost 9 months. Where did the time go?

Verses 9-12

"LORD, You have been our dwelling place throughout all generations. Before the mountains were born or You brought forth the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting You are God." (Psalm 90:1-2)


HOW GREAT YOU ARE, MY GOD! You are beyond my understanding! The number of Your years is past finding out. You draw up the drops of water, which distill as rain to the streams; the clouds pour down their moisture and abundant showers fall on mankind. Who can understand how You spread out the clouds, how You thunder from Your pavilion? (Job 36:26-29)

O LORD MY GOD, YOU ARE VERY GREAT; You are clothed with splendor and majesty. You wrap Yourself in light as with a garment; You stretch out the heavens like a tent and lay the beams of Your upper chambers on their waters. You make the clouds Your chariot and ride on the wings of the wind. You make winds Your messengers, flames of fire Your servants.(Psalm 104:1-4)


OH, FATHER, how I thank You that my help comes from You, the Maker of heaven and earth. (Psalm 121:2)

~ Maggie Krantz

Verses 9-12

"LORD, You have been our dwelling place throughout all generations. Before the mountains were born or You brought forth the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting You are God." (Psalm 90:1-2)


HOW GREAT YOU ARE, MY GOD! You are beyond my understanding! The number of Your years is past finding out. You draw up the drops of water, which distill as rain to the streams; the clouds pour down their moisture and abundant showers fall on mankind. Who can understand how You spread out the clouds, how You thunder from Your pavilion? (Job 36:26-29)

O LORD MY GOD, YOU ARE VERY GREAT; You are clothed with splendor and majesty. You wrap Yourself in light as with a garment; You stretch out the heavens like a tent and lay the beams of Your upper chambers on their waters. You make the clouds Your chariot and ride on the wings of the wind. You make winds Your messengers, flames of fire Your servants.(Psalm 104:1-4)


OH, FATHER, how I thank You that my help comes from You, the Maker of heaven and earth. (Psalm 121:2)

~ Maggie Krantz

Verses 5-8

"YOU ALONE ARE THE LORD. You made the heavens, even the highest heavens, and all their starry host, the earth and all that is on it, the seas and all that is in them. You give life to everything, and the multitudes of heaven worship You."(Nehemiah 9:6)



MY MIGHTY GOD, in Your hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind. (Job 12:10)You, my God, open Your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing. (Psalm 145:16)

MY FATHER, Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, and Your dominion endures throughout all generations. You, my Lord, are faithful to all Your promises and loving toward all You have made. (Psalm 145:13)


"MANY, O LORD MY GOD, ARE THE WONDERS YOU HAVE DONE. The things You planned for us no one can recount to You; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare." (Psalm 40:5)

~ Maggie Krantz

A rainbow

This evening I went to walmart. Coming out this is what I saw. A rainbow. A huge rainbow. Amazing. Simple amazing. I was in shock for awhile and then the tears came. Just when I seem to not handle it any more then God sends me a reminder of his promises. Just a simple. Be still and know I am here. And as I looked around the people stopped in the parking lot and scattered far and wide with their cameras pointed to the air was a sight itself. And then on the power line I look up and roll down my window and cry again. From one end to another birds were sitting and singing praises to God. How beautiful to witness nature in the midst of thanks to God!!!

A rainbow

This evening I went to walmart. Coming out this is what I saw. A rainbow. A huge rainbow. Amazing. Simple amazing. I was in shock for awhile and then the tears came. Just when I seem to not handle it any more then God sends me a reminder of his promises. Just a simple. Be still and know I am here. And as I looked around the people stopped in the parking lot and scattered far and wide with their cameras pointed to the air was a sight itself. And then on the power line I look up and roll down my window and cry again. From one end to another birds were sitting and singing praises to God. How beautiful to witness nature in the midst of thanks to God!!!

Verses 1-4

LORD, I ACKNOWLEDGE THAT YOU ARE THE "I AM."This is Your name forever, the name by which You are to be remembered from generation to generation. (Exodus 3:14-15)


MY FATHER, YOU ARE MY LORD, MY HOLY ONE, MY CREATOR, MY KING. You are the One who made a way through the sea, a path through mighty waters. (Isaiah 43:15-16)


MY FATHER, YOU ARE THE LORD MY GOD. I desire to love You, listen to Your voice, and hold fast to You, for You, Lord, are my life. (Deuteronomy 30:20)


MY FATHER, I acknowledge that You are the Lord Almighty. You are the first and you are the last and apart from You there is no other God. Make me witness to the fact that there is no other Rock but You. Enable me to say with full assurance, 'I know not one.' (Isaiah 44:6, 8)

~ Maggie Krantz

Verses 1-4

LORD, I ACKNOWLEDGE THAT YOU ARE THE "I AM."This is Your name forever, the name by which You are to be remembered from generation to generation. (Exodus 3:14-15)


MY FATHER, YOU ARE MY LORD, MY HOLY ONE, MY CREATOR, MY KING. You are the One who made a way through the sea, a path through mighty waters. (Isaiah 43:15-16)


MY FATHER, YOU ARE THE LORD MY GOD. I desire to love You, listen to Your voice, and hold fast to You, for You, Lord, are my life. (Deuteronomy 30:20)


MY FATHER, I acknowledge that You are the Lord Almighty. You are the first and you are the last and apart from You there is no other God. Make me witness to the fact that there is no other Rock but You. Enable me to say with full assurance, 'I know not one.' (Isaiah 44:6, 8)

~ Maggie Krantz

Overcoming idolatry

I just did a note on idolatry. So to see that this is the next thing that comes up on the list blows me away!!! It's so amazing and awesome and I am , from the bottome of my heart, so thrilled to share this with you all! This experience is overwhelming an amazing. And every day in Gods word is beautiful!!!

So here it goes!!! We leap from overcoming unbelief to overcoming idolatry!!!

When I first began to research the biblical history of captivity among God’s people, I kept running into a conspicuous common denominator: idolatry. I don’t know why it was such a news flash. God warned His people over and over that if they did not resist the false gods of the nations surrounding them they would be snared, and He would ultimately allow them to be taken captive. They didn’t and He did. One sobering thing about the faithfulness of God is that He keeps His promises, even when they are promises of judgment or discipline. Over and over the Book of Isaiah seems to plead the question, “Why in the world would you worship idols when you have been chosen by the sovereign God of the universe to be His own?” Isaiah 43:10–12 packs a powerful punch:
“You are my witnesses,” declares the Lord,
“and my servant whom I have chosen,
so that you may know and believe me
and understand that I am he.
Before me no god was formed,
nor will there be one after me.
I, even I, am the Lord,
and apart from me there is no savior.
I have revealed and saved and proclaimed—
I, and not some foreign god among you.
You are my witnesses,” declares the Lord, “that I am
God.”
You and I as believers in Christ have also been chosen to know and believe and understand that He is God. Our lives have been sanctified by the one true God. Heaven is His throne. Earth is His footstool. Awesome creatures never cease day or night singing, “Holy, Holy, Holy, Lord God Almighty!” Lightning flashes from His throne. The winds do His bidding. The clouds are His chariot. The earth trembles at the sound of His voice. When He stands to His feet, His enemies are scattered. He is transcendent over all things. Absolute. Uncontested. Omniscient. Omnipresent. The Lord God omnipotent reigneth. He is God and there is no other.
And, yet, this very One is our Father. Our Abba. He demands, deserves, our respect. Without it, for all practical purposes, we are powerless. Consider three reasons why praying Scripture regarding the “Godness” of God is so critical in the process of breaking free from strongholds:

1. Virtually every stronghold involves the worship of some kind of idol. For instance, the stronghold of pride is associated with the worship of self. The stronghold of addiction is often associated with the worship of some kind of substance or habit. In one way or another, something else has become “god” in our lives: the object of our chief focus. Filling our minds with Scripture acknowledging the “Godship” of God is a crucial part of renewing our minds. Until we turn from our idols to the one true God, we will never find liberty, for “where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom” (2 Cor. 3:17). One missing link in almost every captive life is the spirit of God’s -lordship.

2. As long as our minds rehearse the strength of our stronghold more than the strength of our God, we will be impotent. As we pray the Word of God acknowledging His limitless strength and transcendent dominion, Truth will begin to eclipse the lies. We will realize that in our weakness He is strong and that as we bend the knee to His lordship God is more than able to deliver us.

3. We may be forced to realize that our perception of God is something that we, ourselves, have conjured up and not the one true God at all. This point may be a little hard to swallow. We may see ourselves as -conventional Christians, but if we believe our God is small, that’s not God at all. Truth sets us free. The truth may be that we’ve carved a “God” out of our own image, assigned Him the utmost and noblest of human characteristics, unintentionally envisioning Him to be more of a “superhuman” than the sovereign El Elyon—The Most High God. I am praying that this chapter will aid the development of a more accurate perception of God. I think sometimes that God must listen to our pitifully small acclamations, expectations, and petitions in prayer, and want to say, “Are you talking to Me? I’m not recognizing Myself in this conversation. Are you sure you have the right God?”
I will never forget the story I once heard about a Sunday school teacher giving his elementary school class an assignment on Easter Sunday. He asked them to make an acrostic of the word “Easter.” He was stunned by one student’s perception. The child had written: Every Alternative Savior Takes Early Retirement. What a thought-provoking statement! Hear this from a former captive: every alternative savior must take early retirement if we are ever to be free. Only one God can deliver us. The most monumental leap we take toward freedom is the leap to our knees—the lordship of Jesus Christ.
I suggest using several of these Scripture-prayers or others like them every single day. May God remind us daily—no matter what kind of obstacles we face—that we are loved and empowered by the One who brought the universe into existence with the mere sound of His voice. Nothing is impossible for Him.

What is an idol and idolatry?

This is all just some stuff. I haven't had time to really go back and pick it to pieces. Thank you Richard hornok for a great sermon.

Here are some verses to look up concerning idols and idolatry.

Proverbs 21:2

Exodus 20:3-4; refer to the ten commandments, you shall have no other Gods before me, nothing that symbolizes heaven or animal or sea. ( my mind has a lot of images right now. )


Acts 17-16ff

What is an idol?

1.an object that gets worship. (Such as figures that your worship. People. Bands.)


2. Raising something above the place of God in our life. (I think at times it can be our kids or spouse. Or friends that are there for us at the horrid times. Or something.like your house. Your job. Your cars )

3. Promoting a secondary thing into the ultimate thing.( Maybe for some its food or maybe a job or people friendships ever parenting or gardening. The list grows)

4. Expecting from something or someone the things that only God can give.(
Kids and husband giving me happiness. A friend calming your heart. A new home. Money. Satisfaction and self-worth. Only God can give you the self worth and satisfaction and peace and happiness.)

5. It can even be... A good and necessary thing that has been defied.

Idols competing for my heart. God said don't make anything more important that me or look to anything to give you only what I can.

Anything can be an idol.

Being and idolatress with parenting and marriage. It's not focused on him. I don't seek him for answers. I turn to books to get answers. BOOKS!! Internet

Gods take on idolatry....
1. Adultery- I am married to God and when I seek that intamacy elsewhere then it's like I'm cheating on Him. God wants to give it to us and we are looking for it else where

2. Cultic- I do a good job keeping the secondry there. I will do anything to sacrifice to keep the secondary up and going. My cell. Oi!!! When you can't have money you devastate and he stands by and watches us sacrifice what he gave us to keep secondary. We are a cult

3. Treason- when I make a idol in my life it's like I'm comitting treason and joining the enemy

Tv. Books. Phone. How many books have you turned to other than the bible for answers. Oh gracious I'll be the first to raise my hand. I'm totally ashamed now to know I have sought answers every where for stubborn kids and babies and food in other books. Now. I am not dogging it per say. I just realize my own convictions and just feel a powerful wow hit me as I realize it. My cell phone/Internet. Is one. I read my bible with it. Share Gods word with it and become attached to it as a way to release me. And a way to "spill". I should be spilling to God Alone.

Thank you again mr. Hornok

4 more unbelief verses

FATHER, YOUR WORDasks the question, "Does God give you His Spirit and work miracles among you because you observe the law, or because you believe what you heard?" (Galatians 3:5)The answer is because they believed what they heard. Help me to do likewise, Lord.


LORD, the Scripture declares that the whole world is a prisoner of sin, so that what was promised, being given through faith in Jesus Christ, might be given to those who believe.(Galatians 3:22)

FATHER, YOUR WORD SAYS THAT IF YOUR DISCIPLES BELIEVE, THEY WILL RECEIVE WHATEVER THEY ASK FOR IN PRAYER.(Matthew 21:22)


GOD, ACCORDING TO YOUR WORD, You are not bothered by our requests. Once when others told a synagogue ruler not to bother You anymore with his request, You ignored what they said and told the ruler, "Don't be afraid. Just believe." (Mark 5:35-36) Help me not be discouraged to pray and not be afraid, but believe!

~ Maggie Krantz

5 belief verses that hit the core

5 more

Father, according to Your Word, it is possible to be broken off from part of Your plan because of unbelief. Your Word says not to be arrogant, but be afraid. (Romans 11:20)O FATHER, I do not want to miss any part of Your plan because of my own unbelief! Please forgive me for any unbelief and help me walk by faith.


MERCIFUL FATHER,Your Word also says that if people do not persist in unbelief, they can be grafted back into the fullness of Your plan. (Romans 11:23) Thank You, God, for so often granting the gift of second chances!


FATHER, I don't want to be like the ancient Israelites who were not able to enter the Promised Land because of their unbelief. (Hebrews 3:19) Help me to believe You and follow You to the place of Your promised land in my own life.



FATHER, please help me not to be like the ancient Israelites who willfully put You to the test. (Psalm 78:18) They did not believe in You or trust in Your deliverance after all the wonders You had shown them.(Psalm 78:22) Please swell my soul with belief and help me to trust emphatically in Your deliverance


Father, in spite of Your chastisement, the ancient Israelites kept on sinning. In spite of Your wonders, they did not believe, so You ended their days in futility. (Psalm 78:32-33) O LORD, I don't want my days to end in futility. I want to fully participate in what You're doing in my generation.


~ Maggie Krantz

The prayers of a 4 year old

Strong Christian moms. Grab a tissue. The prayer from my 4 year old. " I would live to pray for God and his love. And that I tell my friends at school that he loves them. I just whisper though. And that God protects me and every thing he gives us. And for pooter. I would love to pray that God keep us safe and that he loves all my friends and my family". It was a good 2 minutes.

17-19

3 more prayers from Beth.

Father, a righteousness from God, apart from the law, comes through faith in JESUS CHRISTto all who believe.(Romans 3:21-22)

FATHER, as You did for the jailer who received salvation through the witness of Paul and Silas, fill me with joy when I choose to believe.(Acts 16:34)

FATHER, please help me to cease being obstinate, refusing to believe. When I do this, I am maligning Your way. (Acts 19:9)


~ Maggie Krantz

Verses 13-16

1. CHRIST JESUS, You said that those who believe You are Your sheep. Your sheep listen to Your voice; You know them and they follow You. You give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of Your Father's hand. You and the Father are one. (John 10:26-30)

2. DEAR JESUS, WHEN I BELIEVE IN YOU, I DON'T BELIEVE IN YOU ONLY, BUT IN THE ONE WHO SENT YOU. (John 12:44)

3. FATHER, YOUR WORDis full of fulfilled prophecy. You told things before they happened so that when they did, people would believe. (John 14:29) Father, as surely as everything You prophesied in the past has happened, everything You prophesied for the future will happen. Help me to believe!


4. CHRIST JESUS, You said to Thomas, "Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe."(John 20:27) Lord, I cannot see Your visible hands, but if I'm willing to really look, I can see the visible evidences of Your invisible hands. Help me to stop doubting and believe!


~ Maggie Krantz

Oh gracious what a night!!!

We went to the lumberjack show and Rylie became the honorary lumberjill!!! Crazy bob made her a chair. It was great!!!

We had a wonderful night !! Thank you Danielle. Lol your encouragement that the day is almost over helped a lot to enjoy what was left

Now ry will be in the paper twice this week!!!

Overcoming unbelief- verses 10-12

Here are three more verses from Beth.
Again, the last is my favorite
~ Maggie Krantz

1. FATHER, YOUR WORD ASKS, "How can you believe if you accept praise from one another, yet make no effort to obtain the praise that comes from the only God?"(John 5:44) Please help me to make every effort to obtain the praise that comes from You, Lord. I cannot obtain this praise from You without belief.

2. CHRIST JESUS, You said, "The work of God is this: to believe the one He has sent."(John 6:29) That is what You want from me more than anything in the world.

3. FATHER, help me to respond to Your Son according to Your Word: "I believe and know that You are the Holy One of God."(John 6:69)

Overcoming belief. 6 verses.

The last one has been a verse spoke to me for 2 years now. It's a hard to understand one if you weren't taught but when you over come the how what and when and just believe. The freedom is a gift.

Sorry for my delay. It's been a vert rocky week. For those of you involved in the " Rylie schooling dilema" I will write you the update I sent to mrs. O'barr.

So as a result of my week I will send you 6 verses to ponder over and hold to your heart. I have been struggling with a bit of faith lately. Fearful to the extent of becoming insane. Lol so pray some of these for me as I am praying them.

I love you all and I applaud you taking this journey with me. Stick it out!!!
~ Maggie Krantz

Father, in the parable of the sower, You teach us that the seed of Your Word that falls along the path represents the ones who hear, and then the devil comes and takes away the word from their hearts, so that they may not believe. (Luke 8:12)LORD, please help me to actively receive Your Word into my heart upon hearing it so that the devil cannot come and take it from me before it has had time to take root.

FATHER, PLEASE HELP ME NOT TO BE FOOLISH AND SLOW OF HEART TO BELIEVE ALL THAT THE PROPHETS HAVE SPOKEN. (Luke 24:25)

LORD, if You speak to me regarding earthly things and I do not believe, how then will I believe when You speak of heavenly things? (John 3:12)Help me to believe You here and now and not just believe you in things concerning heaven. You are God of Heaven and Earth!

FATHER, ACCORDING TO YOUR WORD,those who heard the testimony of the woman at the well said, "We no longer believe just because of what you said; now we have heard for ourselves, and we know that this man really is the Savior of the world." (John 4:42) Please cause my life to impact others by making them desire to meet You for themselves and believe!


GOD, please don't let me be the kind of person to whom You can say, "Unless you see miraculous signs and wonders, you will never believe." (John 4:48)


LORD GOD, I acknowledge that it is by grace I have been saved, through faith - and this not from myself; it is the gift of God. (Ephesians 2:8)

Overcoming unbelief 3 of 30

These are the first 3 scriptures she gives. There are 30 all together and I will space them out so you have time to look over them and think on them.

~ Maggie Krantz

Over coming unbelief
1-
FATHER, YOUR WORD SAYS THAT IF YOUR DISCIPLES BELIEVE, THEY WILL RECEIVE WHATEVER THEY ASK FOR IN PRAYER.(Matthew 21:22).


2-GOD, ACCORDING TO YOUR WORD, You are not bothered by our requests. Once when others told a synagogue ruler not to bother You anymore with his request, You ignored what they said and told the ruler, "Don't be afraid. Just believe." (Mark 5:35-36) Help me not be discouraged to pray and not be afraid, but believe!


3-DEAR JESUS,You told Your close followers who were taught how to seek the Father's heart that whatever they asked for in prayer, that they were to believe they received it and it would be theirs. (Mark 11:24) O, Father, help me to know Your heart intimately so that I'll know how to pray, what to pray, and believe in advance that I will receive it!

A series of over coming, join me

This is all from Beth Moore.

I want to begin something with all of you out in my net world. It's an "over coming ..." serious. There are introductions and then scripture followed. Every other day I want to send these to you. First , the introduction. Then, 3 scriptures or more at a time depending on length. Know this, I am doing it with you. So times your in awe or crying or singing in joy. So am I more then likely. Just as I am now reading my first one. I am awe struck. A new phrase of faith. Not I believe in but believe. Please stick this out through hard and easy times. And enjoy!
and again none of the below is
Mine but credited to Beth Moore and Christ alone
~ Maggie Krantz

Overcoming unbelief



God seems to work in themes in my life. You know what I mean. Every sermon, morning devotional, and Christian radio program all “coincidentally” speak to me about the same subject for an uncomfortable length of time. I’ll even get a card in the mail from a Christian friend I haven’t seen in ten years and—you guessed it—she’ll share a good word on the exact “theme.”

Soon after my fortieth birthday, everywhere I turned I heard a message on “belief.” I’m humiliated to admit that I became somewhat annoyed not to be hearing more on the subjects I really needed. After all, I already was a believer, and if believers don’t believe, what on earth do they do?

Several weeks passed, and I still didn’t get it. Finally one morning even Oswald Chambers had the audacity to bring up the subject in that day’s entry of My Utmost for His Highest. I looked up and exclaimed, “What is this all about?” I sensed the Holy Spirit speaking to my heart, “Beth, I want you to believe Me.” I was appalled. “Lord,” I answered, “Of course I believe in You. I’ve believed in Youall my life.” I felt He responded very clearly. Adamantly. “I didn’t ask you to believe in Me. I asked you to believe Me.”

I sat very puzzled for several moments until I was certain that the Holy Spirit had faithfully shed light on my pitifully small faith. I sensed Him saying, “My child, you believe Me for so little. Don’t be so safe in the things you pray. Who are you trying to keep from looking foolish? Me or you?”

I don’t mind telling you that my life changed dramatically after God interrupted my comfortable pace with the “theme” of belief. Some of it has been excruciating, and some of it has been the most fun I’ve had in my entire Christian life. I have a feeling this is one theme I probably will run into again and again in the course of my journey. Why? Because without faith it is impossible to please Him. In other words, you and I will be challenged to believe Him from one season to the next, all of our days. And if we have even half a heart for God, He’s likely to shake our perimeters and stir up a little excitement.

Believing God is never more critical than when we have strongholds that need to be demolished. Believing God is also rarely more challenging. Why? Because we’ve battled most of our strongholds for years and perhaps tried countless remedies in an effort to be free with very little success. The enemy taunts us with whispers like, “You’ll never be free. You’ve tried a hundred times. You go back every time. You’re hopeless. You’re weak. You’re a failure. You don’t have what it takes.” Every one of these statements about you is a lie if you are a believer in Christ. You do have what it takes. You have Jesus—the Way, the Truth, and the Life. But you can’t just believe in Him to be free from your stronghold. You must believe Him.Believe He can do what He says He can do. Believeyou can do what He says you can do. Believe He is who He says He is. And believe you are who He says you are.

You may be thinking, “I want to believe! I just don’t have enough faith!” God’s Word records an encounter in Mark 9:14–24 to encourage every person who wants to believe. Christ met a man with a son who had been possessed by the enemy since childhood. No telling how many physicians, witch doctors, religious fanatics, wise men, and foolish men the father had sought to find freedom for his son. Imagine the glimmer of hope that kindled his soul when rumor circulated about the disciples of Jesus who were reputed to perform miracles. Then imagine his devastation when they too were added to the list of the failed. Jesus asked for the boy to be brought to Him. The father’s desperate plea could bring an empathetic lump to the throat to any parent: “If you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.” I love Jesus’ powerful retort: “‘If you can . . . ?’ Everything is possible for him who believes.” The father’s reply comprises one of the most honest, priceless moments in the record of Christ’s human encounters. “Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, ‘I do believe.’” Then, as if Christ had caught his gaze eye to eye, reading his questioning mind, the father quickly restated, “Help me overcome my unbelief!”

I am convinced that God would rather hear our honest pleas for more of what we lack than a host of pious platitudes from an unbelieving heart. When I am challenged with unbelief, I have begun to make the same earnest plea to the One who would gladly supply. The following Scripture-prayers are for the purpose of fueling your faith in the One who is faithful and fueling your belief in the One who is believable. I suggest praying several of them every day. Please remember: it is always God’s will for you to be free from strongholds. As stated in the introduction to this book, we may not always be sure God wills to heal us physically in this life of every disease or prosper us with tangible blessings, but He always wills to free us from strongholds.You will never have to worry about whether you are praying in God’s will concerning strongholds. “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free” (Gal. 5:1).

Before you begin practicing the Scripture-prayers in this chapter, please read the following segment very carefully:
“I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead” (Eph. 1:18–20, emphasis mine).

Please accept and celebrate two awesome truths derived from these Scriptures:
1. God wields incomparably great power for those who choose to believe. Read it again!Incomparably great power! More than enough to break the yoke of any bondage. Our belief unclogs the pipe and invites the power to flow.
2. God applies the same power to our need that He exerted when He raised Christ from the dead. Does your stronghold require more power than it takes to raise the dead? Neither does mine! God can do it, fellow believer. I know because He says so. And I know because He’s done it for me. Believe Him . . . and when you don’t, cry out earnestly, “Help me overcome my unbelief!”

Letter from Jesus

Beloved,

I know you as no one else does. I know the anguish and the grief that seem to grip at the very foundation of your being. I know the blackness of the sludge that seems to line the bottom of your heart. I am acquainted with sorrow, and I have known bitter rejection.

My loved one, know that not one instant of your existence passed without Me being aware of your pain, of the violations against you, of the near destruction of the sensitive spirit within you. When you cried out to Me, I heard, and I hurt with you. When you were overwhelmed, when you were overcome, when you hardened your heart in order to survive, I stayed with you. I have suffered every single time that you were wounded, and have walked close with you every moment. Your confusion, your anger, your aggression, and even your bitterness are not unknown to Me, nor offensive.

You have wondered at My nature, for although you love Me, there is so much you do not understand. I want you to know how deep My love for you goes. You are more precious to Me than you have ever imagined. You are to Me a glorious, wondrous jewel of great price, like a majestic diamond with countless facets reflecting light on every side with indescribable beauty. Your very being stirs a joy within My heart of hearts when I look at the beauty and the glory that is you. You don’t really believe these words now because your vision is limited to your present “reality,” but My vision of you is uninhibited by human weakness. I see you as you really are, the completed product that shines forth in My glory for all of eternity.

This present time-bound portion of your life has been unspeakably painful, it is true. What you do not see if that from the crucible of the most intense, hottest flame is forged the object of most beauty and grace. Although sorrow and pain have been constant companions and their work is grievous, they are My instruments to bring you forth into the most glorious and wonderful thing you are and have been created to be.

My loved one, I am with you always. My intense love for you is undiminished by your “negative” side. My eternal purpose for you is perfect. I have been walking with you all along; before you were born, as a child who knew no childhood, as an angry adolescent, and now, as an adult. You are growing in Me as you yield to My Spirit day by day, although you don’t always seem to believe it.

Your heart is My dwelling place, and I am transforming you into the being that I know you truly are. Salvation is continuous, and the time will come when you will realize that your past vision of yourself is no longer true. You will begin to see a glimpse of who I already know you to be, one of undiminished beauty.

Be encouraged; receive My healing, for sorrow and pain which have been comforted and healed by My love make powerful instruments for My work upon the earth. You ARE My beloved, you are chosen, and you are of immeasurable worth to Me. My desire is not to use you as a craftsman uses a tool, but rather to flow out from you, to live in you, to shine forth through you as a light in a world that grows ever increasingly darker. My love, My light, My joy, will flow freely from the depths of your being, from the foundations of your soul, from the deepest places where your hurt and anguish did their painful work, and you will be transformed as coal is transformed in the bowels of the earth over many years, to the thing that reflects the glory of its Maker in splendor and majesty.

My Heart is ever tender toward you, My loved one, My lovely one, and I rejoice to see the day of your glory in Me.

Jesus

Why I don't call you or invite you to dinner.

All the answers to your questions.

I will start with the calling thing. It's loud in my house. Between music and three girls I can't hear. And my husband gets loud when I'm on the phone. He doesn't do it any other time except when some one calls. Some of you have had to deal with it lol. Also. I hate HATE saying goodbye. I'm no good at it. I would stay on the phone forever until the other person was done because I just don't have the guts to stop some ones thoughts and say " I need to go". Don't get me wrong it doesn't bother me when people let me go. I totally understand. Just doesn't bother me but i hate doing it myself. Another reason; I don't talk well. I am a writer. My words and tongue get twisted and I don't make sense. And well when I text I don't have to say bye!! I forget about it and pick up where I left off. Ridiculous I know. But I'm intimadated talking on the phone. That's why I don't call you.

Why you aren't invited to my house. I'm a terrible house keeper. Righ now my laundry room is stacked my couches and flowers are stained table is stacked with stuff. We live out of the way. I would much rather make dinner and and drive to some ones house then they have to come here and out of the way to a non adult lived in house. We dont have nice furniture or sheles or entertainment center. We don't have lovely couches. Our floor are covered in fruit
Punch and very lovey chocolate syrup my dear Emma snuck when she turned two and we can't get it out. I don't want people to have to drive here and back. I would rather drive. I love love other peoples houses. And I love getting my kids out haha. Most of time they are good I guess they just prefer to destroy Danielle and melissa's house. It was entertaining at melissa's but wow lol. And they have gotten used to the Holden house. They love baby toys " sorry Melissa) books and toys. Ethan didn't stand a chance to play the poor angel. Is a toss up. I either don't want people to see my crazy kids in action or I want to get them out.

So this is why you don't get called or invited. I love you all very much. But there is a lot about me that's a mess.

Yesterday. Today. And tomorrow.

Yesterday was lovely. Amy said dada. And has been saying dada quite a bit. It's precious.
I was smacked with another great text. A wonderful " my weekend is great we found out were pregnant"text. An answered prayer that will rattle any ones heart. I can't tell ya how much I cried haha. So happy for my frie d and her pregnancy. Lord. You are ever amazing!
Yesterday. We were talking about the some day to come 4th child. Names and Dave said a name but I assumed he was being goofy. But

Today he did it again... If we are blessed with another baby and it is a girl she will be either Sophia or Sophie Danielle. The way Dave said it blew mr away and I began to cry. The thought of naming our little girl Danielle just means so much. So what did I do? I told Danielle. Because to mr her name means hope. That God through her has changed my life in many ways and through chris I have been able to face a part of me I have always hated and now I don't. And I can't wait to tell chris how much he means to me and how much I love him. That faith in God and just her godliness has been a blessing and I love that family. So I cried. Because well i don't know. Just a big baby. Probably emotional because bible study is over. Breaks my heart.

I'll never forget the fun these past 12 weeks have been. How hard sometimes it was. But how we both pushed through every week. Every homework. And I'm grateful to Dave for the times I wanted to
Give up an he pushed me.

Well I am thrilled for prayers answered and ones to come.

To be a martyr or not to be?!

So I have most of my life heard martyr used in a degrading term. Saying it in a hurtful tone. To say you are bad.

I spoke to Dave about it. After being at fellowship I welcomed the real term of being a martyr. And oh how I embrassed that. In hopes that at one time if I am confronted with that that I will be able to put my worldy desires behind and be a martyr.

The other conotation Dave told mr about what the one I'm assuming is used in a ugly manor. Martyr meaning you volunteer to do something or a lot and then complain and oh woe is me type of attitude. Self righteous or whatever

That never crossed my mind. I would be grateful to be called a martyr. Some one that dies for Christ. Or for their faith. I hope that if I ever am in that position that I can do that.

Just a thought

Overcoming feeling unloved- by Beth moore.

Overcoming feeling unloved

I go through this constantly

the Word of God uses the phrase “unfailing love” thirty-two other times, and not one of them refers to any source other than God, Himself

Searching for perfect, unfailing love in anyone else is not only fruitless, it is miserably disappointing and destructive. I am convinced our hearts are not healthy until they have been satisfied by the only completely healthy love that exists: the love of God, Himself. The following words by Oswald Chambers are not only written in the front of my Bible, they are engraved deeply in my mind: “No love of the natural heart is safe unless the human heart has been satisfied by God first.”1 We are not free to love in the true intent of the word until we have found love. All of us have looked, but the important question is where? In the search for unfailing love, if we unknowingly allow Satan to become our tour guide, the quest will undoubtedly lead to captivity.

We are not wrong to think we desperately need to be loved. We do. But we are wrong to think we can make anyone love us the way we need to be loved. Our need does not constitute anyone else’s call but God’s. Many of us have heard the devastating words, “I just don’t love you any more.” Others may not have heard the words, but they have felt the feeling. The fear. Throughout life we will lose people who really loved us to death or changing circumstances. As dear and as rich as their love was, it was not unfailing. It moved. It died. It changed. It left wonderful memories . . . but it left a hole. Only God’s love never fails. Even when 1 Corinthians 13:8 says, “Love never fails,” it refers to the agape love of God given to us and exercised through us.

We each have our unmet needs, and we carry them around all day long like an empty cup. In one way or another, we hold out that empty cup to the people in our lives and say, “Can somebody please fill this? Even a tablespoon would help!”


Whether we seek to have our cup filled through approval, affirmation, control, success, or immediate gratification, we are miserable until something is in it. I have come to dearly love and appreciate Psalm 143:8: “Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, / for I have put my trust in you. / Show me the way I should go, / for to you I lift up my soul.” What a heavy yoke is shattered when we awaken in the morning, bring our hearts, minds, and souls and all their “needs” to the Great Soul-ologist, offer Him our empty cups, and ask Him to fill them with Himself! This blessed of all believers will know from experience what the -apostle Paul meant in Colossians 2:10 (KJV): “Ye are complete in Him.”

Overcoming feeling unloved- by Beth moore.

Overcoming feeling unloved

I go through this constantly

the Word of God uses the phrase “unfailing love” thirty-two other times, and not one of them refers to any source other than God, Himself

Searching for perfect, unfailing love in anyone else is not only fruitless, it is miserably disappointing and destructive. I am convinced our hearts are not healthy until they have been satisfied by the only completely healthy love that exists: the love of God, Himself. The following words by Oswald Chambers are not only written in the front of my Bible, they are engraved deeply in my mind: “No love of the natural heart is safe unless the human heart has been satisfied by God first.”1 We are not free to love in the true intent of the word until we have found love. All of us have looked, but the important question is where? In the search for unfailing love, if we unknowingly allow Satan to become our tour guide, the quest will undoubtedly lead to captivity.

We are not wrong to think we desperately need to be loved. We do. But we are wrong to think we can make anyone love us the way we need to be loved. Our need does not constitute anyone else’s call but God’s. Many of us have heard the devastating words, “I just don’t love you any more.” Others may not have heard the words, but they have felt the feeling. The fear. Throughout life we will lose people who really loved us to death or changing circumstances. As dear and as rich as their love was, it was not unfailing. It moved. It died. It changed. It left wonderful memories . . . but it left a hole. Only God’s love never fails. Even when 1 Corinthians 13:8 says, “Love never fails,” it refers to the agape love of God given to us and exercised through us.

We each have our unmet needs, and we carry them around all day long like an empty cup. In one way or another, we hold out that empty cup to the people in our lives and say, “Can somebody please fill this? Even a tablespoon would help!”


Whether we seek to have our cup filled through approval, affirmation, control, success, or immediate gratification, we are miserable until something is in it. I have come to dearly love and appreciate Psalm 143:8: “Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, / for I have put my trust in you. / Show me the way I should go, / for to you I lift up my soul.” What a heavy yoke is shattered when we awaken in the morning, bring our hearts, minds, and souls and all their “needs” to the Great Soul-ologist, offer Him our empty cups, and ask Him to fill them with Himself! This blessed of all believers will know from experience what the -apostle Paul meant in Colossians 2:10 (KJV): “Ye are complete in Him.”

Phrases I have picked up from beth Moore studies

Searching for perfect, unfailing love in anyone else is not only fruitless, it is miserably disappointing and destructive. I am convinced our hearts are not healthy until they have been satisfied by the only completely healthy love

Hello living room

Well it looks like we are going to be crashing in the living room until it gets cool. It's getting way too hot in the bedrooms. So am is in her play pen in the living room. Ry and Emma were on a blow up bed yesterday but in their bed for tonight and I don't doubt Dave and I will be right behind them soon.

Just a composition of thoughts

My brain has been on the friendship thing daily. How I am applying myself in my friendships. Some I feel I have tried all I can and am just at a stand still. Others I am just learning about. I have 2 dear friends to thank for stirring my brain with this new information. So thank you.

I am as depressed as can be! I have one more week of bible study with Danielle and that just super sad. I have gained and learned more in this study then I can remember. Well since Esther actually. I hate it coming to an end. I hope you were serious about going more in depth because I would love too! And well to be honest but not as sappy as I feel I enjoyed these almost 12 weeks of getting together. There were times of complete chaos but I enjoyed friend time with her. Sitting and talking and just visiting. Hate for it to end.

Have to call doctor tomorrow. Dave is a bit worried about the pain so we will see.

I am excited about kids krusade

Why do I go to church?

It's so funny. When I rock Amy my mind goes a thousand miles an hour.

I want to prod your brain. Make ya think a bit. First, who goes to church?

Now, why do you go to church? Don't give me the answer you know your supposed to give. Give the answer you think every Saturday night. Sunday morning and Wednesdays. Or whenever it is you go.

I can think of a lot that I USED to think and ones I had heard and witnessed from others. Let me just throw them out there for you.

" I go to hear good music. I go to hear soft hymns. I go because it's
Modern. I go because it's old fashioned. I go because the kids part is very good. I go because I can keep an eye on my kid and they can learn what I am learning.

I go because there isn't much else to do. I go because my family wants me too. I go to see my friends. I go to show off my kiddos. I go to get things off my
Mind. I go because I don't have to dress up. I go because I am able to dress up. I go because I can wear make up and jewelry and not feel judged. I go because no one is absorbed in how they look.

I go because people expect me there. I go because I grew up going. I go because the guy I have a crush on goes. I go because it's the only time I can see my heart throb. "

What's your reason. What comes to mind when you think about going to church.

Now , what should you BE thinkin? How about trying on " because I need Jesus.".

What kinda friend are you?

I have been reflecting a lot on this for two days now. What kind of friend am I?

I think a lot of the time I consider myself the giver. Just emotionally. But I never saw myself as a severe taker.

Are your relationships one way? Do you give so much that you feel it's just you? Have you ever seen yourself as a taker?

I did yesterday more then before. Now I'm not talking about spouses. We all have faults in that area. But what about friendships. I realized that although I feel like I try to be there for as many people as I can and try to help. I am just as much of a taker. If not more so. I ask for advice, answers to questions, support and material things. I ask for things and don't repay. I just never had really thought about it but wow.

I think from now on I am really going to work on making sure my friends don't feel they have one way relationships with them. To be there however they need me. To thank them in more ways then words. I need to be more thankful outwardly. I need to let my gratefulness I feel on the inside shine through to the outside and be a better friends. But I also need to let some of my one way relationships go. To stop trying to help so much and just pray. Nothing moves the heart of God like prayer!

Something so beautiful from mouth of babes

Tonight was glorious. My two girls have blessed my heart. Lord, did you hear your babies as they said your prayer? Did you hear them? Aren't you bursting with jou or is it just me?

Both of them can say the Lords prayer by themselves. ... Can you?

We read out bible study. Time for prayers..Emma? How about you? ( she says the lords prayer) then says " I want to pray for little girl who died in little pool and in a box and her mommy crying so hard" ( she gets this from back when chris was laid to rest) rylie? " I was you pray for the little girl too. And also for baby chris and paris and Micah and danielle that it will get better. And for Audrey and Elizabeth because they moved to California" Emma chimed in " I wanna pray for chris too and meeka and Paris and danielle because they miss him" very good girls. As we folded our hands and closed our eyes and bowed our heads I couldn't keep the one tear from falling. How completely precious it is to hear them pray for things so dear and tender. To think of others in these times.

Danielle And joe I have you to thank. For inspiring me to pray with them through the time at cubbies and also your home life. Please keep rubbing off on me!!

Update on all three

We went to the wic office today and it's funny because my image of them has always been low. I always hear horrible things about them and how they sat kids are too fat and so forth. I went with the knowledge that one of mine would be fat. We didn't really have to wait long and both women were very nice. I mean beyod expectations nice. Then the nurse came and took kids in.

I thought. Ughhhhhhh here we go. Ry was first weighing in at 41.2. And 38 inches and Emma at 31.3 at 32 inches. And Amy at 18.10 and 26 6/8 inches.

Ry is 75 percentile in all but she is considered perfect because she is so tall. Emma is at 50 with height and a little under for weight. Amy was almost 75 for height and weight both as well. A little tubby but the lady said " nothing we will worry about". And she was so sweet. Had to check iron. Amy is low. Emma perfect and ry a little low. But what she called the blood was a lady bug. And Emma was a little upset. Amy never flinched. But ry was really concerned and in turn sent Emma into balistics. I mean she was freaking out. " no ry no. Don't hurt my Rylie. " I had to shut the door on her so we could get rys blood

Silly. All in all it was a really great experience. They were sweet and nothing compared to stories I have heard. I am really considering writing them a note of gratitude. I mean it really was so comforting. I was already stressed and their pleasant attitude was a good thing. So helpful and gosh I am just so thankful.

My heart melted today

I can't erase it from my mind so I an going to write it out in hopes of not sounding ridiculous.

In case your reading this and have no idea what I love. I love babies. My ideas of a baby? Time concieved to 3 They are my passion and I love them so much. I adore them.

Today. I stuck with Amy in ther nursery so she wouldn't give Andrea fits this time from her. First hour was good. She slept 40 minutes. And I was even able to pull the bars up on the crib. She woke up and was great. A little boy was brought in. He began crying and then harder. Both teachers swiched off trying to calm him. This went on I guess for 10 minutes or so. When I looked at him my heart melts and then today when he was looking around and then bam straight into my eyes and put his arm out for me I melted. I fell in love with him.

I had been wanting to hold him for 3 weeks but didn't ask because I'm not a teacher in there. So today I finally pushed my fears away and asked one of the girls if they wanted me to try. And out came a great word " sure". I took that baby into the nursing room. Gave rocking a try. Then bouncing. Then it hit me. I know exactly what he wants. So I held him like I do Amy to try and get her to sleep and swayed side to side with a little bounce. And then I sang the songs I have sung to the girls their whole life. Sleep baby sleep. Angels watching over you. Hush a bye. And you are my sunshine. He quickly calmed and was just barely wimpering when I was doing you are my sunshine.

Before I sang it again he was out like a light. And then it hit as I kissed his forehead a few times. I was singing and it happened. I cried. Tears just streamed every where. I swayed with him and held him. I'm sure I could have put him in bed and he would have been fine but I couldn't. I couldn't help but keep thinking " Danielle should be doing this" over and over I kept thinking she should be holding chris and rocking him and singing. I know he is Happy and with Jesus. But for that moment that I was holding that baby boy in my arms I wanted so bad to wake from the nightmare and know that chris was in Danielles arms.

It's not all sad. I hadn't held held a baby boy like that since I was 19 and working at the day care. I remember the moments of trying to get Raul to sleep. That poor baby had so many problems. It felt good to hold a baby boy again. To put him to sleep and lay him down ahha yes I did lay him down and he slept until his mom came to get him.

I guess to most of you it's sick how much I love kids. I just do I can't help it. I honestly can't think of a better place then where I was this morning with that baby boy and arik and Isabelle and amy. It was perfect. I hope no one thinks I am a freak for being so passionate about babies.

Trust

I found something yesterday that Amy had gotten from st. Michael when she was in for rsv for 3 days. I plan on writing the poems and songs that have been written for chris and Ethan these last few
Months but for right now I am going to write this beautiful poem that's on the back of the broshure of services antoinette gave us.

Trust

" for ev'ry pain we must bear"
For ev'ry burden, ev'ry care, there's a reason.

" for every grief that bows the head. For every teardrop that is shed,
There's a reason.

" for ev' ry hurt, for ev'ry plight, for ev'ry lonely, pain-racked night,
There's a reason.

" but if we trust God, as we should, it will turn out for good.
He knows the reason".

Author unknown

One adventure after another!

Yesterday at 3:45 pm began the cloth diapering adventure!! I got them from sam and a pail from Melissa! I tried a few different folding techniques. The snappi thing is a bit harder then I thought and time consuming. However the fold into a hot dog technique that Melissa taught me is working great! Last night she went 12 hours and nothing leaked out. She even pooped and I just popped it in the potty. It all stayed in the diaper but you couldn't even tell that she was wet cause it's not squishy and saggy like a regular one. And only got the cover a little wet. She's been changed 5 times today and only got one cover a little wet. I really enjoy this. A lot. But I am nervous about going out. Without a way to carry it all. NOW ON TO EXCITEMENT!!!

Amy cut her first tooth tonight between 5-9 !!! I'm so excited!! She has been teething for so long and now she getting one!!! Yay!!!! I'm so happy I'm snoopy dancing!!!! She cut her first tooth hey oh yea she cut her first tooth yea!

A week of miracle and blessings

Many of you know my quest on information about cloth diapering. So many to choose from. Options of convienence or cheapest. Super easy to just easy. I will report more at the end.

On Tuesday life for a friend of mine changed drastically in a matter of hours. My heart was beating too fast and my stomach was in knots and I couldn't breath. By Wednesday afternoon things got worse and darn near scary. Thursday they got terrifing yet totally amazing in an hour. I cried so hard Thursday. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it all and yet all I can think of is Beth moored phrase " God can bring a marriage back from the dead" oh Lord and did he!!!! Plain and simple praise God!!

Now back to diapers. I have been looking. A friend of mine told me of another friend who may have some that I could try and to ask her. So I did that and it turns out that her and another friend are giving me stuff. Giving y'all!!! I'm stick in shock and crying about it. You don't understand what it means to me that people would or could care that much about anyone much less me to give me stuff! I still can't believe it and to be honest I am terrified of expecting it. I am having a very hard time doing so. But my friend said " just smile and nod your head Maggie" that I think I can do. I much prefer they have girls instead of boys so I could make a boy and feel some way returning a gift. It's not as much but it's a cute bow.

So thank you moms of bows. For making this harder on me haha!
Love you all!

A week of miracle and blessings

Many of you know my quest on information about cloth diapering. So many to choose from. Options of convienence or cheapest. Super easy to just easy. I will report more at the end.

On Tuesday life for a friend of mine changed drastically in a matter of hours. My heart was beating too fast and my stomach was in knots and I couldn't breath. By Wednesday afternoon things got worse and darn near scary. Thursday they got terrifing yet totally amazing in an hour. I cried so hard Thursday. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it all and yet all I can think of is Beth moored phrase " God can bring a marriage back from the dead" oh Lord and did he!!!! Plain and simple praise God!!

Now back to diapers. I have been looking. A friend of mine told me of another friend who may have some that I could try and to ask her. So I did that and it turns out that her and another friend are giving me stuff. Giving y'all!!! I'm stick in shock and crying about it. You don't understand what it means to me that people would or could care that much about anyone much less me to give me stuff! I still can't believe it and to be honest I am terrified of expecting it. I am having a very hard time doing so. But my friend said " just smile and nod your head Maggie" that I think I can do. I much prefer they have girls instead of boys so I could make a boy and feel some way returning a gift. It's not as much but it's a cute bow.

So thank you moms of bows. For making this harder on me haha!
Love you all!

7 months and 2 days

On the 12 Amy is 7 months and 2 days. It was a wild day. All in one day she learned how to crawl, sit , and pull up. Ry was 7 months and 11 days when she started and doodle was & months if not 9. It's a beAutiful site to behold. Watching her grow so much.

My friends daughter Micah has been one of the main apples of my eye. I have been in love with her before she was born. She was 3 months when Dave and I decided to get pregnant. Micah was my lil angel I adore her still. I wished for a Micah yo be honest. When I was 2 months pregnant in may a year ago I felt Amy moving and kicking. I talked to my friend and little did I know how much the phrase " Micah did the same thing" was going to be so much apart of me. Amy has been a constant mover in my belly. Darn near paralyzing my with her kicks. Today I heard the phrase again. I have what I wished for. The same whine with baby food. And mmmm sound and tilt her head back. At another friends kids bday party Amy was on her hands and knees with Emma infront of her. I started to cry. Just cried like a baby. Just a year ago Micah was right there and Emma
Was swooning over her meeka.

I love my little mover. She tires me out but I am just in awe of her

While I had been thinking and dreading today my heart hurt and has so off and on today.

Still a princess

Most girls are a princess to their daddy. Daddies princess and such. And either by the time they are teens or become a woman either by " that stage" or by age they lose that identity. Very few remain daddies princess.We spend our rest of years waiting for a different prince to come and wisk us away in hopes of one day becoming King and Queen. Some of us find him and our dreams come true. For a short time. How many of you find your prince, marry him, and are forever known as his princess or queen? That many huh?

I am proud to raise my hand with some of you. 8 years ago i began dating my prince. 5 years ago i marrief him. With 3 girls mind you. You have fully taken hold of his heart and become " daddies little princesses". But there is one spot they will never fill. One they cant own until they are grown. Tonight he reminded me again that i am the one princess he adores deeply. I am his queen now but i am still his princess as well. Tonight with his words " love you my beautiful princess" reminded me just how much he still values our sweet love. Our innocense we once had. I love him still. So very much. He is my handsome prince.

A rocking chair; Gods gift to mommies

I firmly believe this. I didn't have one with Rylie when she was little. But before I had Emma I got one as a hand me down from an elderly man. It's just a old fashioned wood rocking chair. But it was a rocking chair an that's all that mattered. So the month before I had Emma and then after I would rock Rylie and Emma. Not much because we were hardly in that old house and to be honest I was scared that too much rocking would make the floor board collapse.

We moved and the rocking chair stayed in the nursery which was emmas room and I would continue to rock them.

When we decided to get pregnant again I made a effort to again rock the girls. Now, let me tell you how hard it is to rock a 3 and 2 year old and then a 4 and 2 year old while I am fat and pregnant and with both of them in on my lap lol.

As of now, Amy almost 7 months old, I spend as much time in that chair as I do any where else. God made rocking chairs not just to soothe babies to sleep but to create a bonding experience that can't be compared to anything. I rock her at least 5 times a day if not more. This last rocking I rocked her upright instead of side ways. Normally I rock her sideways. It gets her to sleep and I am able to sing and gaze into her eyes and meet her face to face with incomparable love. But now my heart has burst again. I was holding her up right when she layed her precious head on my shoulder. While I wasn't able to gaze into her eyes I was able to feel her sweet head against my cheek and lean my head onto hers which in turn created another bonding moment my heart just nearly flew out of my chest. It took all I had to not cry at what a perfect moment it was. You can't imagine how many times I say " God can you take a picture of this for me and save it".

These moments. The rocking and singing. Are God given no doubt. God created rocking chairs to soothe a baby and a mommy. But to also creat a bonding time like no other.

Some day my girls will read these blogs. I love you girls so very much.

I'm transparent to friends. But can I be to God?

So I think that maybe this bible study at the church is God trying to break me open. And I hate it. I haven't even gotten the book yet. Haven't even read a word in it. But it hurts. This whole love thing is hard. I mean to love with GODS love and not my emotions. I honestly agree with robin. How do you do that. How do I love three people who so willingly tear families apart? How do I live them. What does that love look like? I don't even want to pray with them an to live them is well just pft! But my emotion of love is what is controlling that. I get so tired of how much I love how much it takes out of me. How do I love the way God does and not get exhausted? Can I love without being involved with them? Do I need to forgive before I love or love first? There are a lot of things running through my head. Because all my life it's been an emotional rollercoaster. Anger. Frustration. Spending so much of my life trying to be accepted by my parents. To make them proud and never being good enough. Disappoint in me felt like I was loved less. Does that make sense? Oh my gosh how am I going to sleep. I love to love but how do I do it right when what I would really like to do is spell out the bible for dummies and wala!! They are magically saved and see the light! There is so much I can't wrap my head around.

I'm surrounded by nut jobs!!!

For once this doesnt include my husband and kids. I want to just shake the world and make all these people see their wrong doing ahead of time. including mine. What has happened to the husbands? Some of them have become controlling and emotionally abusive. WHY?!? It frustrates me because its people i know. I know i cant fix it. I just get flustered knowing that so many women are being run over like a treadmiill. Its fully annoying. I dont understand where these boys get the idea that it is okay to abuse your wife. Yes indeed that is what it is, abuse. To be honest i know we are supposed to stick with our husbands regardless but i honestly dont think i could if i was in their positions. Sorry I know this is a downer blog jeez it makes me upset to witness this stuff.

The simple words that make a girl melt

I think we have all heard them. The words that make your heart bloom. The feeling in your Stomach that announces " this is magical". Whether it lasts forever or not I don't think crosses our mind. It's the words. Words that can make your very existence seem meaningful. That make it all better.

Today words were spoken to me that hit my heart in a way I had forgotten. I had missed it. Wrapped in the arms of my husband and enjoying a moment of cuddling. He spoke words that , little did I know, my heart was starving for. ( and yes he gave me permission to do this )

" so long as the sun rises, the moon turns, and the grass grows. I will always want you. Always. You are mine"

Needless to say I cried a little at the complete love that came from his lips. And I know he means it. Years before I would have never believed it but I do now and it makes that moment all the more sweeter

I love you Dave. So much

Selfish pain

I don't mind taking on my friends pain and hurt and suffering. Infact I am glad to. I just wish I didn't open my mouth while doing that. Sometimes I hurt so deeply that I want to dish out the advise that saved me from mistake after mistake. Sometimes I want to avoid them and pass with a smile which in the end leads me to forgetting what they are going through and still feeling awful. And then there are the times that I hurt so deeply that all I can do is rant and vent with them. I should just be a shoulder and offer possitive feedback. Buy so much of the time I let my emotions run the show. And with finishing day two of bible study I just realized I'm being self absorbed. Even though I think I'm being humble it's still all about me. " I'm annoying, and there is no one more annoying than I" that's self absorbtion even if it's based on pity. I needed to read that bad. I know a few others that would benefit from it as well

6 months

Today marks a wild day. My little girl turns 6 months. Hard to believe really. But yet it feels like I have had her forever. I have a different opinion which people laugh and disagree about. But I feel it. Part if me says yea Amy will be 6 months. 6 months out of womb, not old. She is 13 months old. Will be fourteen on the 18. I know when she was conceived and that, in my opinion, was when she became a baby. So 6 months or 13 it's still so sweet and special. I love her no different. So happy 6 months tomorrow at 12:45pm little Amy. I love you so much. More than you will ever know.

Captivating chapter one part 3

" beauty to unveil"
Little girls love feeling beuatiful. Remember wearing mommies shoes or makeup. Or jewelry. Remember twirling skirts? Most girls go through a season where they will NOT wear anything that does not twirl. I went through this phase. Rylie is now going through a only skirts and dresses season that has lasted almost 2 months now.

We want to. Long to know and be told we are lovely. That's our question " are we lovely?" think of your wedding or a dance. A special evening with friends. How important is the dress. Or do you want to feel like a princess. The desire to be beautiful is an ageless longing.

However, the desire to be beautiful has caused many women untold grief ( how many diets hve you tried) countless tears have been shed and hearts broken in it's pursuit. ( however. For mr this is a little off with doing th study of Daniel and learning about the whole image building in Babylon thing).

In spite of all the pain and distress that beauty has caused us as women, the desire remAins. Many of us have hardened our heArts to this desire. The desire to be the Beauty. It's not just the desire for N outward beauty. But more a desire to be captivating in the depths oh WHO YOU ARE. Cinderella is beautiful yes but she is also good. The outward beauty is nothing without the inner. Esther is the most beautiful woman in the land. But it is her bravery and her cunning. Good heart that moves the king to spare her people. We want beauty that can be seen; beauty that can be felt ; beauty that affects others; a beauty all our own to unveil.

" the heart of a man"
There are three core desires in the heart if evey man. For starter. Every man wants a battle to fight. It's a boys and weapens thing. Look at the movies. Gladiator. 300. Top gun. Men are made for battle.
Men also long for adventure. They live to climb and jump an see how fast they can ride their hikes. Adventure is a deep longing in every mans heart. It requires something of us. Puts to the test. We may fear it but we yearn for it to discover that we have what it takes.
FinLly every man longs for a Beauty to rescue. Where would robin hood be without Marian? It's not that men need a battle it's that they also need someone to fight for. There is nothing that inspires a man to courage so much as the woman ge loves. This is not to say that women are helpless and can't live her life without a man. But that men long to offer their strength on behalf of a woman.

Can you see that both man and womb desires are meant to fit perfectly together. A woman in the presencebof a good man. Loves to be a woman. " his strength allows her feminine heart to fourish. His pursuit draws out her beauty. And a man in the presence of a real woman likes being a man. Her beauty arouses him to play the man. It draws at his strength. She inspires him to be a hero.

On the inside women lose themselves in a fantasy world or cheap novels. Or give our selves over to addictions to numb the ache of our hearts.

A journey towards restoration and release ofthe woman you always longed to be. It's about discovering who you already are as a woman. A woman who was made for romance. Made to play an irreplaceable role in a shared adventure. The woman God had in mind when he made Eve. And when he made you. Glorious. Powerful. And captivating

Captivating chapter one part 2

"The heart of A Woman"
Scripture tells us that the heart is central. " above all else guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life"(prov. 4:23). Why? Why guard our heart? Because God knows that our heart is core to who we are. It's where our faith , hope, and love abides. Our feminine heart has been created with the greatest of all possible dignities- as a reflection of Gods own heart. ( no wonder I "bleed" for others so much and easily)

Look at the games we play as little girls. Look at the movies we love. What is it that we women want? What do we dream of??? Think of women like tama , Ruth, Eagan. Every woman in her heart of hearts longs for 3 things: to be romanced, to play and irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to unveil beauty.

" to be romanced"
This is my fav quote! " no matter how long it takes, no matter how far- I will find you" do any of you know that one? It's a quote that I wanted to live apart of. Even if in a movie. The last of the Mohicans. The watefall scene. One of my day dreams was to always be captured by Indians and fall in love with one and just as the " whites" came to find me I would turn my back on them and declare my love for my kidnapper. As Stasi says " there are many little girls who play the " kidnapped and rescued" game.to be abducted and fought for and rescued by a hero. Like all the princess stories. They are all fought for. We long to be snow white and sleeping beauty. To be rescued. Most of us are ashamed of the desire to be fought for and rescued. Like we are weak if we want that. We are supposed to be strong and independent. But look who is buying the romance novels? You have a bible don't you? "

There are many refrences to movies such as titanic. And braveheart. Sense and sensability and little women. Wouldn't you want to ride throught the Scottish highlands with a man like Mel Gibson? Ughhhhhhh yea!

When we are young we want to be precious to someone- especially daddy. We ask " why am I so embarrased to be pursued, desired, wanted as a woman. Embarrased by the depth if this.

Most of our addictions flare up when we feel that we are not loved or sought after. Deep down maybe very deep all of us want to be pursued , seen, wanted. We want to be romanced.

" a. Irreplaceable role in a great adventure"
Some women dream of being the hero. Valiant and worthy. To be apart of something large and good ; something dangerous and worth dying for. There is something fierce in a Womans heart. For instance. Just insult her children, man or best friend. A woman is a warrior too! " before doubt and accusations take hold, most little girls sense that they have a vital role to play( they want to believe there is something in them that's needed and needed desperately.

We are awed by the nurses in pearl harbor and their curouge. The women of 'lord of the rings'. Valiant and beautiful. They change the fate of middle eartch. And what about Esther and Ruth and Mary? They had irresplaceabld roles in a Great Story. Passionate and powerful women who were beautiful AS warriors. Women love adventures of all sorts. We want to give. To be apart for the sake of what is required of us for others. Sometimes living as a hermit appeals to us. Our lives were meant to be lived with others. We long to be an irreplaceable part of a shared adrvnture

Captivating " The heart of a woman"

A womans Journey- when did you know in your heart you were no linger a girl, but a woman? Graduation? High school? College? When you got married or had kids? There are times I feel like a woman. A blooming woman and there are times in my heart where I feel like a girl places where I still feel 5.
For me I felt like maybe getting married would some how magically turn me into a woman. That I would magically figure out all the home making and child rearing info I needed.

There has been little wisdom offered on the path to becoming a woman. We know the expectations. We aren't taught what the journey toward becoming a woman involves, or even what the goal really should be.

Stasi goes on to say that " the church has not been. Big help here. No, that's not quite honest enough. The church has been apart of the problem. It's message to women has been primarily " you are here to serve. That why God created you; to serve "".

" think about the women you meet at church. They're trying to live up to some model if femininity. What do they "teach" you about being a womAn? What are they saying to us through their lives? " I can think of many woman that come to mind. There are the ones that are high fashion dress to impress people. There are the cone and goers. Then there are the ones you hope to be or attempt to have them rub off on you. The good parents with decent marriages. The people with one on one time with God.

Unseen, unsought, and uncertain
" nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman". " an underlying, gut feeling if failing at who we are" always feeling like we aren't enough and I'm too much all at the same time. ". Were never enough. Not skinny not kind or gracious or disciplined enough. But too emotional. Too needy too sensative. The result of it all is SHAME, the universal companion of women. It is joined with our worse fear of being abandoned and alone.

Which brings me to a serious heart to heart ache for me. Why is it so hard to create meaningful friendships and sustain them? Why do we feel unimportant?" We feel unseen, even by those who are closest to us. We feel unsought, that no one has the passion or the courage to pursue us, to get past our messiness to find the woman deep inside. And uncertain- uncertain what it even means to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be. "

The message to the rest of us- whether from a driver culture or a driven church- is try harder

Captivating- chapter one"the heart of a woman"

Swimming for the first time!

So today the girls wam for the first time today. It was sooo cute watching Amy. She was not happy with it though. She wants to stand all the time now at 5 months and 2 weeks old/ 24 weeks. She was kicking and trying to stand and got so mad she just had a melt down. So much of both her sisters. All i need is for the screaming fit Emma and the drama queen Rylie to come together as one right?

Ry and Em went swimming. funny stuff let me tell you. Running around in this little 3 ring pool playing follow the leader. haha.

Emma scratched open her knee somthing fierce on thursday and has broke it open and made it worse every day. I have finally gotten her to wear a bandaid with OUT fighting me. sheesh! SHe is a fun girl though. im going to be very lonely without her when she is in school. Im going to miss her tuesday and wednesday and thursday. And Ry will be going everyday.... not sure im ready for it. Now i will have NO excuse to have a messy house if they are gone. Granted it may stay cleaner longer with them gone. But gosh im going to be lonely.

Since the dog got the shots he has slept more than a cat for crying out loud. That steroid and antibitic i guess is working so well that he doesnt have to scratch and be awake so much stressing about the itches.

I am so excited Dave will be off monday. We have NOTHING planned but it will be a good day im sure of it, maybe ill make a angel food fruit dessert cake and he can grill. Looking forward to tuesday as well! Getting our pictures BUUUUDY!

I guess fr now that is all until my brain thinks of something else.

Introduction to Captivating

I am going to start writing my thoughts and stuff from the book Captivating written by John and Stasi Eldredge. I'd love for you to kinda give me your ideas on te subjects i go into. Your views, pains, how you were raised and relationships.

I know for me I have encountered pain of memories from the past, to now, and to the fears of the future. Now while i know that I should have faith and let it go but I will admit I am human. A lot of my human ness gets a hold of me before God can shake me sane. So I admit i let fears take hold of me for a time. But there are 4 friends i know for a fact i can rely on to help God shake me sane. They also shake me into repentence. (; they know who they are.

So this is the beginning of Captivating. The unveiling the mysteries of a womas soul. There are 12 chapters. And it being the summer I would like to get at least one blog a week done revolving around this book. For the Males there is a book called " Wild At Heart" that John Eldredge wrote. My husband loved the book.

I will also eventually be writing about and on the Bible Study " Return to the Garden" by Kay Arthur. If i had known as a teenager and a virgin what I now know i would have been so much more careful with my heart and body.

So on with the adventure. Keep your eyes open for the writings. I will label them as so " Captivating- Chapter One" Or if I end up with more then one blog on a chapter it will say " Captivating- Chapter One part 2, or 3, or4, etc."

Happy READING!!!

Graduation, First Words, First steps and Answered prayers

Well This mornin my precious daughter graduated from pre-k. I held it together until we left. She had a sinus headache the whole day so she wasnt as chipper as she usually is. They ate lunches and then ice cream and cake. Then we went out side to play and blow bubbles. It was a good time. She got a picture with Mrs. Melissa as well. Going to miss her so much. But she will be in Mrs. Julies Class next year. Came home, blew bubbles and took wonderful naps!

On to first words. Yes thats Right on the day of May 27th, 2010 at 2:30pm Amy said MAMA!!! Isnt that awesome. She is 5 months 2 weeks and 3 days old. WOW. She is surpassing her sisters by a LONG SHOT! She sat by herself 3 days ago. Ry sat at 7 months and Emma like 7 months too. It was wonderful. Now, I;m working on dada, For fathers day of course. It would just make his day! He has been a little freaky about things she is doing. Telling her to stop it. Which reminds me. She took her first steps as well. Yes I know waaaay too young. But the truthis she did, Yes she held onto my fingers and walked right to Rylie and then to Daddy. Exciting but sad. SHe is just growing so fast. She had had ( in order) Peas (yum) Green beans ( made her sick) Carrots ( hated and gave her gas) Apple sauce ( hated) bananas (yum so long it wasnt refigeraed) And now we are on squash which was awful. HAHA.

Now, for the answered prayers part.... I have this friend. I have loved and admired her for 2 years now. She has had so many losses and pain. She has gone through a lot. Almost 29 weeks ago she gave birth to a miracle baby , Ethan. Who I adore as my own child. This family has had struggle after struggle. BUT recently an abundance of prayers have been answered that brings me to tears! Her husband has gotten a full tme job. Gosh i'm still in disbelief even as I write it. I am so proud of him and happy for him. Now, he will be able to be a " family" man. He will be able to see his family and watch Ethan grown. Thats just sooo exciting for me. And now, yesterday, my friend told me she was offered a few nights a week job at night. Her old job is offering an opportunity to make some money. Money that would help fill a gap. This threw me into an excitement i cant even type bout. I am just so very happy for her and the family. I claim them as my own family.

An now an update so far today the 28th. Radar, our other dog, had allergies and got a steroid and antibiotic to help. Emma goes in to get her ear taken care of. She has so much wax in it that you cant even see her ear drum. gross. i mean like stick your finger in and pull it gross. Only problem is I cant reach it! ugh. SO there is the update...