My heart unmasked

We all have them. You, me, and yea even that awesome person over there. I have been fighting and rebelling for a month now on two idols to name a few Called lazy. And facebook.( my phone). I am writing this as a constant reminder and accountability. I am also emailing and blogging it.

I am tired of fighting. I'm tired of trying to control what I do by myself and when why how and so forth. God sent Kent to rattle me like a toy. And rattle I did. I surrender. I submit to you Lord. I am an adulterous I have cheated on you time and time again and you keep forgiving me. I ( catch that? I, i thought i could change it) keep promising to change and yet i don't. Now I know for a fact how much adultery hurts. I have seen it. I wept with sorrow. I wept for I have committed the greatest sin again you my Lord and am guilty for it.

I wailed at home. I got home. Had plans to stomp my idol but was faced with a plan B I wanted nothing to do with. Amy needed me. She wanted to be comforted and held and I wanted to clean and be busy and I was furious because I felt I let God down. I messed up again. But that's just the trick. God caught me sinning again. And then I did. Here I was trying to control what I did and when. How. Where. And He caught me. " there you go again. Dropping me and taking control. I am the LEADER" I stopped putting dishes in the dishwasher. Handed Amy to Dave and went to my room sat on my bed and wailed like never before. Submitting. Surrendering and letting go of control and one idol at a time. I cried for 30 minutes in a wailing manner. Begging for forgiveness. Verbally recognizing My idols and laying them at the feet of Jesus.

I went outside. Pulled my chair back by the van. Sat and cried. Then I got down on my knees and cried. Then I felt the rain. I begged God to wash me. Wash me of idols. Wash me away from putting everything above Him and that's when the thunder rolled. I prayed more then stood up as the rain hit harder and the thunder louder. " lord hear my cry! I can't do this alone. Hold me lord. Transform me. Pull me from that that has taken your place! I don't want this life. I don't want to be me I want to be you! " and now I see more idols then I did before. You bet it hurts. Rarely is conviction comfortable. So now what.

Now I submit. Not once or twice. Everday. Every hour. Every minute that I feel these idols creep in I need to call on Jesus and cry out to Him.

Now. I cry again. I'm tired of being afraid. I'm tired of fear being an idol. Fear is an incredible idol. I'm so exhausted from fearing everything. I am done fearing everything. I'm done fearing what I can't change.

Thank you God. Thank you for using our pastor to point out my stubborness. And thank you pastor for being so yeilding to the Lord. And thank you to our community group leader for not wearing your mask. For letting your emotions show. Because that simple act of submision to God to not cover your heart helped chip at mine. Thank you Jesus for never leaving
Me. For calling me back.