Remembering

While I was excited about october 15 at first now my heart feels heavy. In case you don't know what it is. October 15 is pregnancy loss rememberance day.

I have never lost a baby. I came close to losing Rylie and Amy but it's not the same. I have friends who have lost babies. Some have lost 4 an 5. I can't imagine that. There is one that cuts me still just as the day he passed. Come Monday he would have been 26 weeks and on Tuesday he would have been 6 months. It hurts so bad to remember. To wonder what little chris would be doing now. The adorable smile he would be wearing now. I loved that little boy before he was ever born and my love seems to grow for him every week. It still blows me away how God uses him to bring me to where I am now. Not just turning away from my ability to feel for others. But to accept it and use it for good.

Now I find myself at the same place I was. Feeling stupid for how I feel. He wasn't mine. I haven't lost a baby but it hurts like I have. Oh does it hurt. But I feel silly for even going to the ceremony although my intention is to help in Amy way I can if nothing more than to hug an smile. But I find myself asking " why are you going? You don't undertand the pain. You don't know what it's like. You shouldn't be here".

I want to get away from that.