I'm transparent to friends. But can I be to God?

So I think that maybe this bible study at the church is God trying to break me open. And I hate it. I haven't even gotten the book yet. Haven't even read a word in it. But it hurts. This whole love thing is hard. I mean to love with GODS love and not my emotions. I honestly agree with robin. How do you do that. How do I love three people who so willingly tear families apart? How do I live them. What does that love look like? I don't even want to pray with them an to live them is well just pft! But my emotion of love is what is controlling that. I get so tired of how much I love how much it takes out of me. How do I love the way God does and not get exhausted? Can I love without being involved with them? Do I need to forgive before I love or love first? There are a lot of things running through my head. Because all my life it's been an emotional rollercoaster. Anger. Frustration. Spending so much of my life trying to be accepted by my parents. To make them proud and never being good enough. Disappoint in me felt like I was loved less. Does that make sense? Oh my gosh how am I going to sleep. I love to love but how do I do it right when what I would really like to do is spell out the bible for dummies and wala!! They are magically saved and see the light! There is so much I can't wrap my head around.

I'm surrounded by nut jobs!!!

For once this doesnt include my husband and kids. I want to just shake the world and make all these people see their wrong doing ahead of time. including mine. What has happened to the husbands? Some of them have become controlling and emotionally abusive. WHY?!? It frustrates me because its people i know. I know i cant fix it. I just get flustered knowing that so many women are being run over like a treadmiill. Its fully annoying. I dont understand where these boys get the idea that it is okay to abuse your wife. Yes indeed that is what it is, abuse. To be honest i know we are supposed to stick with our husbands regardless but i honestly dont think i could if i was in their positions. Sorry I know this is a downer blog jeez it makes me upset to witness this stuff.

The simple words that make a girl melt

I think we have all heard them. The words that make your heart bloom. The feeling in your Stomach that announces " this is magical". Whether it lasts forever or not I don't think crosses our mind. It's the words. Words that can make your very existence seem meaningful. That make it all better.

Today words were spoken to me that hit my heart in a way I had forgotten. I had missed it. Wrapped in the arms of my husband and enjoying a moment of cuddling. He spoke words that , little did I know, my heart was starving for. ( and yes he gave me permission to do this )

" so long as the sun rises, the moon turns, and the grass grows. I will always want you. Always. You are mine"

Needless to say I cried a little at the complete love that came from his lips. And I know he means it. Years before I would have never believed it but I do now and it makes that moment all the more sweeter

I love you Dave. So much

Selfish pain

I don't mind taking on my friends pain and hurt and suffering. Infact I am glad to. I just wish I didn't open my mouth while doing that. Sometimes I hurt so deeply that I want to dish out the advise that saved me from mistake after mistake. Sometimes I want to avoid them and pass with a smile which in the end leads me to forgetting what they are going through and still feeling awful. And then there are the times that I hurt so deeply that all I can do is rant and vent with them. I should just be a shoulder and offer possitive feedback. Buy so much of the time I let my emotions run the show. And with finishing day two of bible study I just realized I'm being self absorbed. Even though I think I'm being humble it's still all about me. " I'm annoying, and there is no one more annoying than I" that's self absorbtion even if it's based on pity. I needed to read that bad. I know a few others that would benefit from it as well

6 months

Today marks a wild day. My little girl turns 6 months. Hard to believe really. But yet it feels like I have had her forever. I have a different opinion which people laugh and disagree about. But I feel it. Part if me says yea Amy will be 6 months. 6 months out of womb, not old. She is 13 months old. Will be fourteen on the 18. I know when she was conceived and that, in my opinion, was when she became a baby. So 6 months or 13 it's still so sweet and special. I love her no different. So happy 6 months tomorrow at 12:45pm little Amy. I love you so much. More than you will ever know.

Captivating chapter one part 3

" beauty to unveil"
Little girls love feeling beuatiful. Remember wearing mommies shoes or makeup. Or jewelry. Remember twirling skirts? Most girls go through a season where they will NOT wear anything that does not twirl. I went through this phase. Rylie is now going through a only skirts and dresses season that has lasted almost 2 months now.

We want to. Long to know and be told we are lovely. That's our question " are we lovely?" think of your wedding or a dance. A special evening with friends. How important is the dress. Or do you want to feel like a princess. The desire to be beautiful is an ageless longing.

However, the desire to be beautiful has caused many women untold grief ( how many diets hve you tried) countless tears have been shed and hearts broken in it's pursuit. ( however. For mr this is a little off with doing th study of Daniel and learning about the whole image building in Babylon thing).

In spite of all the pain and distress that beauty has caused us as women, the desire remAins. Many of us have hardened our heArts to this desire. The desire to be the Beauty. It's not just the desire for N outward beauty. But more a desire to be captivating in the depths oh WHO YOU ARE. Cinderella is beautiful yes but she is also good. The outward beauty is nothing without the inner. Esther is the most beautiful woman in the land. But it is her bravery and her cunning. Good heart that moves the king to spare her people. We want beauty that can be seen; beauty that can be felt ; beauty that affects others; a beauty all our own to unveil.

" the heart of a man"
There are three core desires in the heart if evey man. For starter. Every man wants a battle to fight. It's a boys and weapens thing. Look at the movies. Gladiator. 300. Top gun. Men are made for battle.
Men also long for adventure. They live to climb and jump an see how fast they can ride their hikes. Adventure is a deep longing in every mans heart. It requires something of us. Puts to the test. We may fear it but we yearn for it to discover that we have what it takes.
FinLly every man longs for a Beauty to rescue. Where would robin hood be without Marian? It's not that men need a battle it's that they also need someone to fight for. There is nothing that inspires a man to courage so much as the woman ge loves. This is not to say that women are helpless and can't live her life without a man. But that men long to offer their strength on behalf of a woman.

Can you see that both man and womb desires are meant to fit perfectly together. A woman in the presencebof a good man. Loves to be a woman. " his strength allows her feminine heart to fourish. His pursuit draws out her beauty. And a man in the presence of a real woman likes being a man. Her beauty arouses him to play the man. It draws at his strength. She inspires him to be a hero.

On the inside women lose themselves in a fantasy world or cheap novels. Or give our selves over to addictions to numb the ache of our hearts.

A journey towards restoration and release ofthe woman you always longed to be. It's about discovering who you already are as a woman. A woman who was made for romance. Made to play an irreplaceable role in a shared adventure. The woman God had in mind when he made Eve. And when he made you. Glorious. Powerful. And captivating

Captivating chapter one part 2

"The heart of A Woman"
Scripture tells us that the heart is central. " above all else guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life"(prov. 4:23). Why? Why guard our heart? Because God knows that our heart is core to who we are. It's where our faith , hope, and love abides. Our feminine heart has been created with the greatest of all possible dignities- as a reflection of Gods own heart. ( no wonder I "bleed" for others so much and easily)

Look at the games we play as little girls. Look at the movies we love. What is it that we women want? What do we dream of??? Think of women like tama , Ruth, Eagan. Every woman in her heart of hearts longs for 3 things: to be romanced, to play and irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to unveil beauty.

" to be romanced"
This is my fav quote! " no matter how long it takes, no matter how far- I will find you" do any of you know that one? It's a quote that I wanted to live apart of. Even if in a movie. The last of the Mohicans. The watefall scene. One of my day dreams was to always be captured by Indians and fall in love with one and just as the " whites" came to find me I would turn my back on them and declare my love for my kidnapper. As Stasi says " there are many little girls who play the " kidnapped and rescued" game.to be abducted and fought for and rescued by a hero. Like all the princess stories. They are all fought for. We long to be snow white and sleeping beauty. To be rescued. Most of us are ashamed of the desire to be fought for and rescued. Like we are weak if we want that. We are supposed to be strong and independent. But look who is buying the romance novels? You have a bible don't you? "

There are many refrences to movies such as titanic. And braveheart. Sense and sensability and little women. Wouldn't you want to ride throught the Scottish highlands with a man like Mel Gibson? Ughhhhhhh yea!

When we are young we want to be precious to someone- especially daddy. We ask " why am I so embarrased to be pursued, desired, wanted as a woman. Embarrased by the depth if this.

Most of our addictions flare up when we feel that we are not loved or sought after. Deep down maybe very deep all of us want to be pursued , seen, wanted. We want to be romanced.

" a. Irreplaceable role in a great adventure"
Some women dream of being the hero. Valiant and worthy. To be apart of something large and good ; something dangerous and worth dying for. There is something fierce in a Womans heart. For instance. Just insult her children, man or best friend. A woman is a warrior too! " before doubt and accusations take hold, most little girls sense that they have a vital role to play( they want to believe there is something in them that's needed and needed desperately.

We are awed by the nurses in pearl harbor and their curouge. The women of 'lord of the rings'. Valiant and beautiful. They change the fate of middle eartch. And what about Esther and Ruth and Mary? They had irresplaceabld roles in a Great Story. Passionate and powerful women who were beautiful AS warriors. Women love adventures of all sorts. We want to give. To be apart for the sake of what is required of us for others. Sometimes living as a hermit appeals to us. Our lives were meant to be lived with others. We long to be an irreplaceable part of a shared adrvnture

Captivating " The heart of a woman"

A womans Journey- when did you know in your heart you were no linger a girl, but a woman? Graduation? High school? College? When you got married or had kids? There are times I feel like a woman. A blooming woman and there are times in my heart where I feel like a girl places where I still feel 5.
For me I felt like maybe getting married would some how magically turn me into a woman. That I would magically figure out all the home making and child rearing info I needed.

There has been little wisdom offered on the path to becoming a woman. We know the expectations. We aren't taught what the journey toward becoming a woman involves, or even what the goal really should be.

Stasi goes on to say that " the church has not been. Big help here. No, that's not quite honest enough. The church has been apart of the problem. It's message to women has been primarily " you are here to serve. That why God created you; to serve "".

" think about the women you meet at church. They're trying to live up to some model if femininity. What do they "teach" you about being a womAn? What are they saying to us through their lives? " I can think of many woman that come to mind. There are the ones that are high fashion dress to impress people. There are the cone and goers. Then there are the ones you hope to be or attempt to have them rub off on you. The good parents with decent marriages. The people with one on one time with God.

Unseen, unsought, and uncertain
" nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman". " an underlying, gut feeling if failing at who we are" always feeling like we aren't enough and I'm too much all at the same time. ". Were never enough. Not skinny not kind or gracious or disciplined enough. But too emotional. Too needy too sensative. The result of it all is SHAME, the universal companion of women. It is joined with our worse fear of being abandoned and alone.

Which brings me to a serious heart to heart ache for me. Why is it so hard to create meaningful friendships and sustain them? Why do we feel unimportant?" We feel unseen, even by those who are closest to us. We feel unsought, that no one has the passion or the courage to pursue us, to get past our messiness to find the woman deep inside. And uncertain- uncertain what it even means to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be. "

The message to the rest of us- whether from a driver culture or a driven church- is try harder

Captivating- chapter one"the heart of a woman"