My heart unmasked

We all have them. You, me, and yea even that awesome person over there. I have been fighting and rebelling for a month now on two idols to name a few Called lazy. And facebook.( my phone). I am writing this as a constant reminder and accountability. I am also emailing and blogging it.

I am tired of fighting. I'm tired of trying to control what I do by myself and when why how and so forth. God sent Kent to rattle me like a toy. And rattle I did. I surrender. I submit to you Lord. I am an adulterous I have cheated on you time and time again and you keep forgiving me. I ( catch that? I, i thought i could change it) keep promising to change and yet i don't. Now I know for a fact how much adultery hurts. I have seen it. I wept with sorrow. I wept for I have committed the greatest sin again you my Lord and am guilty for it.

I wailed at home. I got home. Had plans to stomp my idol but was faced with a plan B I wanted nothing to do with. Amy needed me. She wanted to be comforted and held and I wanted to clean and be busy and I was furious because I felt I let God down. I messed up again. But that's just the trick. God caught me sinning again. And then I did. Here I was trying to control what I did and when. How. Where. And He caught me. " there you go again. Dropping me and taking control. I am the LEADER" I stopped putting dishes in the dishwasher. Handed Amy to Dave and went to my room sat on my bed and wailed like never before. Submitting. Surrendering and letting go of control and one idol at a time. I cried for 30 minutes in a wailing manner. Begging for forgiveness. Verbally recognizing My idols and laying them at the feet of Jesus.

I went outside. Pulled my chair back by the van. Sat and cried. Then I got down on my knees and cried. Then I felt the rain. I begged God to wash me. Wash me of idols. Wash me away from putting everything above Him and that's when the thunder rolled. I prayed more then stood up as the rain hit harder and the thunder louder. " lord hear my cry! I can't do this alone. Hold me lord. Transform me. Pull me from that that has taken your place! I don't want this life. I don't want to be me I want to be you! " and now I see more idols then I did before. You bet it hurts. Rarely is conviction comfortable. So now what.

Now I submit. Not once or twice. Everday. Every hour. Every minute that I feel these idols creep in I need to call on Jesus and cry out to Him.

Now. I cry again. I'm tired of being afraid. I'm tired of fear being an idol. Fear is an incredible idol. I'm so exhausted from fearing everything. I am done fearing everything. I'm done fearing what I can't change.

Thank you God. Thank you for using our pastor to point out my stubborness. And thank you pastor for being so yeilding to the Lord. And thank you to our community group leader for not wearing your mask. For letting your emotions show. Because that simple act of submision to God to not cover your heart helped chip at mine. Thank you Jesus for never leaving
Me. For calling me back.

5 years and still clinging

5 years ago, come Wednesday, I will have entered into a scary time. At the age of 20 I stepped into a hospital to be induced. Terrified. My first daughter. I go in. Have the pitocin. Crash out.

I am waken with utter pain. They have to hold me down to get the epidural in. Contractions were so bad I couldn't bend over. Come 5:30 ( 11 hours after pitocin) I was still at 0 so they were going to go for a c-section. I drink the nasty stuff and they unplug the epidural. Well. As soon as that happened. Comes 7 pm I was at a 6. I was telling the nurse it hurt and he said where and I told him my butt. He got another nurse who checked me and said uh oh and left. I had my mom at one side and Dave at the other. Before I knew it a nurse said I was at an 8 and hurting. All the movies. The tlc delivery stores showed women sometimes screaming and I felt like a good scream would help. So I screamed. The two nurses to my right said " don't do that it hurts our ears and isn't going to help" an then they left

Wel dang what am I supposed to do everytime I want to yell?!? So I sang. I sang hard. They gave me morphin an some other meds. It didn't help. When contractions hit I sang this little light of mine, Jesus loves me? , all the little children, jingle bells, jingle bell rock? You name it I sang it. I almost broke my moms thumb and tore dave's arms up.

I was told to push and then not to push because I would waste me energy. I was scared an in the worse pain of my life.

Finally. Around 10:30 I hear a " okay give me good pushes I see her head" do I pushed and pushed. Finally her head. It hurt!!! I pushed and pushed forever it seemed. And at 10:45 there was a whoosh of baby and there was the chubbiest faced little girl. Dave's first words " she is covered in pancake batter". He cut the cord and they weighed her. Little miss Rylie. Born at 10:45 pm at 7'12 and 20 3/4inches. She had a large scrape on her head from what they said was my pelvic bone. But she was just adorable. Her eyes were gooped up so much with yucky gel that she didn't really open her eyes till 2 days later.

I was shaking so bad going through withdrawl. It was a mess. I was finally not shaking at 3 am and went walking with Dave. I was hurting and let me tell you how totally weird it was to pee in a basin and make sure I peed just enough. Ummm weird! She got her hospital picture. The lady put a spot of ky jelly in her head and stuck a bow on her head.

Taking ry home was wonderful. She was so sweet a precious. What a angel. She would laugh so hard when we would build black towers and they would fall. What an adorable kid she was. And now she Is 5 and in school. I can't hardly believe it.

Happy birthday boo bear. I am so proud of the little girl God has lead you to be. How smart you are and your love for the bible already. I pray you remain hungry for the Lord as you grown into a woman. I love you angel baby. More then you know.

10 on 10-10-10

Amy is 10 months old today. Hard to believe the baby I was scared I was losing 10 months ago can throw a fit and hit her sisters. I'm blessed to have this little girl here with me. Even her crazy smile. Her whine and whimpers of life just being so mean and hard on her. Every inch of her body. Her fingers and knuckles. Elbows and knees. Toes and feet. Her precious belly and underarms. Her jaw bone and cheeks and her temple area that just is so soft. Her tiny ears and the back of her neck and the hair she does have.

I love her dearly. She means so much to me.

Remembering

While I was excited about october 15 at first now my heart feels heavy. In case you don't know what it is. October 15 is pregnancy loss rememberance day.

I have never lost a baby. I came close to losing Rylie and Amy but it's not the same. I have friends who have lost babies. Some have lost 4 an 5. I can't imagine that. There is one that cuts me still just as the day he passed. Come Monday he would have been 26 weeks and on Tuesday he would have been 6 months. It hurts so bad to remember. To wonder what little chris would be doing now. The adorable smile he would be wearing now. I loved that little boy before he was ever born and my love seems to grow for him every week. It still blows me away how God uses him to bring me to where I am now. Not just turning away from my ability to feel for others. But to accept it and use it for good.

Now I find myself at the same place I was. Feeling stupid for how I feel. He wasn't mine. I haven't lost a baby but it hurts like I have. Oh does it hurt. But I feel silly for even going to the ceremony although my intention is to help in Amy way I can if nothing more than to hug an smile. But I find myself asking " why are you going? You don't undertand the pain. You don't know what it's like. You shouldn't be here".

I want to get away from that.

My summary of 10-3-10

The seduction of success and idolatry
2 kings 5

Idolatry is elevating anything above God. Idolatry is seeking from others the things that only God can give. So. Sometimes even good things can be an idol.

Naaman: a success seeker
-When desire becomes lust
-How a success seeker handles leprosy. He is to go and bathe in the Jordan. He was mad. It was embarrasing he didn't want to be embarrased.
-Transforming a success seeker

How do you know when your desire for success has become a lust for success?
Success equals significance. Everyhing we do reveals our significance. Makes mr look bad or feel stupid. When success is your God you won't humble yourself.

Managing success:
The little people. Servants. Who were also looking out for some one else. Not just themselves.
We need to be little people for the big person. Us to God. Servant to Christ.

When we look at success we look at the little people serving us not God.

God puts bugs in our life. Like leprosy.

Are wil willing to listen and be humiliated for God. Are we willing to listen to the little people. The leprosy in or life becomes an opportunity to see how God will fix you/ me.

God calls us to serve him and him only. Not a God od success.